


you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all this time

by ladyofdecember



Category: South Park
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Christmas, Hanukkah, Kyman Secret Santa 2017, M/M, Mentions of Heidi, Takes place after season 21's Splatty Tomato
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-30
Updated: 2017-12-30
Packaged: 2019-02-24 05:34:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,572
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13207041
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ladyofdecember/pseuds/ladyofdecember
Summary: Kyle and Cartman finally come to terms with their cat and mouse game and the feelings involved with it. Written for the Kyman Secret Santa 2017 (christmas themed gifts).





	you and i walk a fragile line, i have known it all this time

**Author's Note:**

> “You and I walk a fragile line  
> I have known it all this time  
> But I never thought I'd live to see it break  
> It's getting dark and it's all too quiet  
> And I can't trust anything now  
> And it's coming over you like it's all a big mistake
> 
> Whoa, holding my breath  
> Won't lose you again  
> Something's made your eyes go cold
> 
> C'mon, c'mon, don't leave me like this  
> I thought I had you figured out  
> Something's gone terribly wrong  
> You're all I wanted  
> C'mon, c'mon, don't leave me like this  
> I thought I had you figured out  
> Can't breathe whenever you're gone  
> Can't turn back now I'm haunted”  
> \--Haunted, Taylor Swift

He shouldn't be entertaining this line of thought. Not. One. Bit.

Still, he had to admit, whenever he let his mind roam and it inevitably turned to thoughts of Cartman, the flutter deep within his chest that erupted was comforting if not confusing.

Kyle sighed, rubbing at the bridge of his nose in anticipation of the headache that was beginning to build. He didn't want to deal with this. He just didn't have the strength right now.

Pushing away from his bedroom window, he considered his options for the rest of the saturday afternoon. He hadn't heard from Stan or any of the guys since school on friday. Maybe he could give them a call?

The events of the last few weeks still weighing heavy on his mind, he quickly disregarded the whole idea. He didn't really feel like being made to feel guilty for what happened in Toronto.

Things had seemed weird between him and the guys for a while now, Toronto hadn't even been the tip of the iceberg. And really, he should have seen it coming, this inevitable split between him and the rest of the guys. After all, what did they really have in common with one another anymore? They had been drifting apart for many years now. His last common thread among them had been Stan but even their friendship had been suffering.

Kyle blinked a few times, confused by his sudden cloudy vision and his shoulders began to clench and tense up at the realization that there were tears springing to life in his green eyes. Well, that's stupid. Why was he getting so upset over meaningless high school friendships? 

Scrubbing at his face in irritation, the redhead stood up from his seat on his bed in desperation. He had to get out of this house, had to go... somewhere, he didn't know where.

When it dawned on him that the last time he'd run away from this stupid town people had died, he sat right back down almost in defeat.

Anger surged within him, and he powerless to do anything about it.

When he tried to confront his issues head on, they were usually thrown back at him in jest by others. When he fled and just tried to move on, they seemed especially harsh and deadly, following him wherever he ran.

It was beyond frustrating to always be the moral compass of the group, to always be looked upon and judged harshly for the opinions and views he held. But what was worse were the looks of judgment he'd sometimes catch from people, as though they thought he wasn't good enough, as though he were always failing in some way before he'd even been given the test.

And then there was of course the issue, of which he tried never to think about. Maybe there was something lying beneath his surface, something unforeseen that needed examining, something more than just the problematic nature of the issue itself.

Heart pounding, mouth dry, Kyle began to feel a desperation clawing inside of his chest, urging him to do something, anything and to do it now. He stood from his bed and moved almost mechanically towards his bedroom door. He had to get out of this house.

…

It's not always easy coming face to face with yourself. That must be why so many people plunge themselves into fantasy on a daily basis. The uncomfortable realization that you're a liar, the feeling that something's not quite right in your life and the knowledge of it but refusal to do anything about it, that is a dark thing indeed.

The sound of Cartman's boots crunching on the snow beneath him seemed to be the only noise in the surrounding area. His hands shoved deep in his jacket pockets, head down and focused on nothing in particular, he was the perfect image of a pensive teen straight out of some dumb chick movie.

He wasn't sure why he had decided to go for a walk other than sheer boredom and a lack of any real social connections.

He and Heidi were through, this time for real and it was probably for the best to be honest. He wasn't so much as heartbroken over the split as he was terrified at the possibilities now laid out before him. His single status meant many things probably to many people but there was only one person whose opinions he actually cared for and that person was sure to have a lot (or little) to say about it.

He took a deep, chilly breath in through his nose and let it exhale out through his lungs, the cloud of it dancing through the air before him.

Cartman paused in his gait, realizing he had no idea where he was going, having no direction in mind once he'd headed out his front door. He glanced at the sky above him and noticed that the clouds had begun to stir and from them, tiny flakes of snow began to fall.

He waited there a moment, hands still hidden deep in pockets, head turned gently upward towards the sky. His heart hurt, in his chest a dull pain that seemed ever encompassing of his being.

Slowly, the details of his surroundings began to fade in to view and distantly he became aware of several of the shops and businesses on Main Street that surrounded him. Music from the nearby Tweek Bros. Coffeehouse drifted over to him from their outdoor speakers. Cartman recognized the tune of Buble's “All I Want For Christmas Is You” parading through the chilly air.

Christmas was right around the corner now and it was really remarkable that he hadn't noticed. As he turned and began to look around, he realized that many of the businesses had been draped in elegant banners and ribbons of red and gold. Wreathes had been hung with various sprigs of mistletoe placed gently here and there.

Once upon a time, he would have been delighted by the holiday's approach, it was his favorite after all. Now that he thought about it, he couldn't really think of one thing he wanted this year. Well, there was... one thing but he'd already ruined any chances of that now, hadn't he?

Heavy heart and woes on his mind, he carried on down the street, unsure of just where he was heading. He was thankful that at least it was the weekend and he had two more days of solitude before having to deal with everyone back at school. He just wasn't ready.

…

Kyle stared at the empty pond in front of him from where he sat on the bench. Once a popular spot for just about everyone to visit on the weekend, the modern age of smartphones and social media had now left Stark's Pond a desolate wasteland any day of the week.

His eyes took in the glint of the thin layer of ice that covered the water beneath and he wouldn't lie, for just a moment the darkest, most incredibly selfish thought he'd ever had glimpsed his mind before it was gone with finality. Kyle shook his head to try to rid himself of the negativity threatening to consume him.

A few snowflakes began to fall straight in front of him and as he turned to glance skyward, they began to fall heavier and heavier all around him.

There was something eating inside of him, the issue ever present in his mind just like always. And yet, here he still refused to deal with it, to even acknowledge there was an issue.

Kyle took a deep breath in through his nose and shut his eyes against the threat of any further tears from falling. His thoughts turned to Cartman once again.

Heidi had ended it with him, for the second time now though there seemed to be some kind of finality to it now. Any sort of interest he'd had in her before had long since been extinguished with her recent transformation. And it wasn't anything physical and it damn sure didn't have anything to do with him and he was so goddamned tired of everyone bringing up the correlations to him. He just didn't want to hear it anymore.

No, anything he'd felt for Heidi had simply been some strange momentary lapse in judgment, a fleeting thing.

But his feelings for... well, that was another thing entirely, now wasn't it?

Kyle opened his eyes, leaning back against the wooden grain of the bench and stared miserably out at the open pond before him. He heard the unmistakable sounds of crunching snow from behind him and without turning around, began to be filled with a sense of dread.

Oh god. He thought.

…

He couldn't believe it. Out of all the places in this stupid, redneck town, he had to pick this of all places?!

Cartman stared in half anger, half apprehension at the redhead before him. “Kyle?” He asked in his normal drawl reserved it seemed especially for him.

He watched as the teen turned around, scowl already present on his normally perfect face and let's be honest, still perfect even now, eyebrow wrinkled in distaste as it were.

“What do you want?” He asked, voice low and displeased nature evident.

It was there and then that he almost turned and walked away, not wanting to damage anything further between them, nothing worse this kind of torture. But suddenly, he found a sort of steadiness and calm within and he moved, almost robotic towards the seat beside him.

Kyle rolled his eyes as Cartman took a seat and glared back out towards the pond, only slightly confused at his abrupt change in emotion. He stayed silent as the two of them stared at nothing in particular.

The redhead took a deep breath, shutting his eyes for just a moment as he tried to steady his emotions. Fuck it.

“I'm sorry about Heidi, alright?” He said, without really facing him still but actively trying to calm himself and affect a more friendly tone.

Cartman arched an eyebrow at his friend. “Really?”

“Yes, ass! Why wouldn't I be? I told you, I'm not into her.”

“Anymore.” He couldn't help but rubbing it in, could he?

The two fell back into silence, unsure of where to go next with it.

Kyle side-eyed him before trying a new tactic. “Look... a lot of things have happened over the last few months and I-”

“Kyle... what do you want for Hanukkah?” Cartman interrupted quietly.

Almost in shock, he turned to face his friend, eyeing him warily. No insults, no anger and a general interest in his wants and needs? What the fuck? “Uh... I don't know. I haven't really thought about it.” He really hadn't. In fact, the first night was quickly upon them, his own mother must have forgotten in all the chaos the town had been dealing with. 

Cartman looked into Kyle's eyes and the redhead was genuinely confused by the sorrowful look inside them. Wait, of course he was emotional, his girlfriend had just broken up with him! Why hadn't the idea occurred to him? 

Maybe because the whole relationship was a fake and you know it. A bitter voice inside his mind reminded him.

“I don't really want anything for christmas either.” Cartman answered a question not asked, still staring patiently at him. “I was thinking about it and I... well, there was just one thing.”

“What?” Kyle found himself asking quietly, as though they were in some sort of daze. What the hell was going on?

Cartman turned away from him to sink down against the bench once more, ignoring his question entirely. “I hope you get everything you want this year, Kyle. You deserve it after everything you've been through.”

He began to laugh bitterly. “What makes you say that? I'm a bad person, remember? I'm the last person who should get what they want. That's precisely why I never have.”

“You are the only moral fiber this town has, the only person who matters or even cares about what happens here. You're the very fabric that keeps this town together, what makes it worth sticking around for. The only thing.”

Kyle blinked rapidly as he stared at his longtime, childhood friend. “What? What makes you say that?”

Cartman glanced at him and shrugged. “It's true. I hate this place. You're the only thing that makes it worth it.”

Heart racing, palms somehow sweaty beneath his green gloves though the temperature was well below freezing point, Kyle scooted slightly closer to the other teen. The rapid falling of the snowflakes had not gone unnoticed to either of them and it made the whole thing seem like one of those Hallmark holiday movies.

“You know... “ Kyle began, suddenly very nervous. “maybe I was a little jealous of you and Heidi but it's not for the reasons you think.”

Light in his eyes reignited, Cartman took in the image of one of his closest friends, if not his best friend and wasn't that just such a sad thought. “Why would you be jealous?” He was almost afraid to ask as though the redhead would quickly laugh it off as though the entire thing had been some cruel joke in the first place.

“Because.” He took a deep breath. “Because I didn't want you to be with her because... you know.”

“I don't think I do?”

He shouldn't be entertaining this line of thought. Not. One. Bit. But fuck it.

“I like you okay?!” He shouted, suddenly angry again and exploding in front of Cartman just like always and maybe that's because it made things so much easier when they just played their parts?

It seemed like Cartman hadn't heard anything he'd said though as he continued staring at him blankly. He stared at him head on, unblinking and it was driving Kyle crazy. 

“Hello? Fat ass! Anything to say to that? Or no? Or just fucking keep staring at me like the stupid fat ass you are! Right? Right. Great. I'm... I'm going home.”

As soon as he'd stood to his feet in embarrassment and rage, he'd felt the teen's heavy fist enclose around his wrist and swing him back down to his seat on the bench.

Quick hands reached out to grab his heavy winter coat and tug him closer to the warmth of Cartman's body. He was kissing him! On the mouth! Like some kind of strange holiday Hallmark movie! Too surreal.

Kyle kissed him back soundly on the mouth, heart fluttering in his chest and fireworks bursting brightly in the back of his mind. The hands gripping tightly on either side of his jacket seemed to relax at this and fall slightly down to hold his arms.

Cartman relaxed completely for possibly the first time in months, feeling relieved at the realization that it wasn't all in his head and that he was going to get what he wanted for christmas this year after all.

As the snowflakes came to an end finally, the two pulled away from one another for breath. 

Kyle swallowed nervously and they both chuckled, suddenly shy as they looked around everywhere but at each other before staring into one another's eyes. Kyle noticed vaguely that Cartman's hands had fallen to rest on just his forearms.

Feeling light in heart and spirit, Cartman smiled feeling mirthful and just so very happy for once.


End file.
